Be Still

I find that as my life becomes busier,
the days fly by,
and the clothes pile up on my floor,
and the homework piles up in my brain,
and every moment is just another swipe
on the clock's hand,
another minute gone,
finally,
so I can move on to the next.

But outside of this crazy bubble
is this crazy world of mine.

And the leaves are changing colors
and the sky is brilliantly blue
and here I am,
ignoring it,
too busy to enjoy it,
too selfish to be a part of it.

And all these things that I love are
happening,
now,
they're passing by under the tip of my nose
beneath my gaze,
they're just blowing away.

And how badly I want to stop and see these things for myself,
but it's always too late by the time I realize
I'm chugging along at appalling speeds,
and by the time I slow down enough to
see the world.

But maybe what's really important is not
what's happening in the world,
big and small,
but Who it is that's controlling it all.

Who holds the seasons in His hands,
and makes the earth turn,
and the day become night
and the night become day
yet again.

Who brings us into the new sunrise
every morning,
whether or not we want to be awake,
or in the world,
no matter how busy we think we are,
or how far we think we've fallen from
His grace.

We are here.
And we are His.
And we cannot run from Him.

I just want to take a minute to breath.
To inhale,
To exhale,
To know that He is here,
in my every day and every moment,
in my busy
and in my peace
in my best
and in my worst days,
and that He knows just what He's doing.

He knows the plans He has for us.

So, let us all,

Be still. And know that He is God.

...Love, Anna...

A Prayer

Dear God,

I find it strange that I can be so busy with my life and my friends and my homework
that I suddenly don't have time for
the God of the universe.

That I can be so full of this life that's moving at a tremendous speed
and yet so empty of
You.

That I can be so proud and selfish and oblivious to the fact that
You,
You, LORD,
have given me this air,
these lungs,
this heart of mine that races too fast,
these dreams that are too caught up
in the net of life.

That I haven't stopped to listen in so long.
Haven't even let You put a word in.
My prayers, so self-focused,
My thanks,
neglected and forgotten the second I get
what I want.

That I've been so blind to You, oh God.

I'm so sorry.

Thank You, LORD.
Thank You for Your unmistakable plan for my life.
Thank You for the gifts You've freely given.
Thank You for being within me, always.

Amen.

This week gone by was an emotional roller coaster.  And I've realized that if I don't center my life on the Creator of it, I'm bound to fall to pieces.

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration: 

"You give and take away,

You give and take away,

My heart will choose to say,

LORD blessed be Your name."

You Get What You Need

I wish I had the stamina to handle disappointment with grace,
even when I'm holding the broken pieces of my
craziest and most precious dreams in my hands.

I wish I had the faith to instantly turn to God
and say with a sincere heart,
"I didn't get what I wanted,
But I am still thankful."

I wish I had the strength and the wisdom to know
that God's plans are greater than
my wildest dreams.

But I simply do not.

I am broken and
human
and not fully formed into
the woman God has made me to
become.

I am not yet
wise
I am not yet
strong
My faith is yet
to be tested further
My heart is yet
to be filled with grace.

This is my short and whole-hearted petition.

That though I am not feeling strong or faithful or thankful,
That though my dreams have been dulled to a slight glimmer,
I will,
Someday,
Find the grace to say truly and sincerely,

"God, You knew what You were doing then,
And You still do,
And You count my tears,
And You love me still."

Dreams are not always made to come true.
Sometimes dreams are made to show you 
there's something so much better
in store.

...Love, Anna...

A Rambling

Sitting here, I'm trying to enjoy these last moments of summer.

Trying not to feel overwhelmed or over-excited or over-nostalgic.  Trying to be indifferent.  Trying to be blind to all the change that has happened this summer.  And trying to forge ahead without looking back too much.

I sat down to write this because I knew I had to post something this week, but I had no idea what to say.  And I still don't.

But today I don't want to be too thoughtful.  I just want to take a brief moment to recognize what an impact this summer has made on my life and to thank the people in my life that I don't thank often enough.

For those of you who don't know, it's been a big summer.  A one word summary? Change.
Change, change, change, and realizing that there's no other way to say it: change sucks.
And realizing when there's no one else to turn to - pray, pray, pray.
And realizing, though life's tough sometimes, I've got some pretty amazing friends and family.

So I just want to say to quick thanks to the friends who've always had my back.  Lucy, Anna, Olivia, Hayat - I can't thank you enough for all the support you've freely given to me especially in these past few months with all the crazy goings-on and all my insane plans and dreams.  You have no idea the confidence you've inspired in me and without you, I'd be another lost soul on this ever-changing planet.

And to my family - what can I say?  Nothing I do can ever phase you, and as much as that drives me crazy, I know it's only because you know me and love me so well.  I can't explain how much I love and respect all of you and I can't begin to comprehend how very blessed I am to have each and every one of you in my life.

Going in to my sophomore year, there are so many unknowns.  So much the future may or may not hold for me.  And so very much to do.

I'm trying to just breath it all in before the crazy rush of classes and homework and theater and friends and life in general.  Because I know I'm gonna close my eyes one second, and open them the next, and it'll be over.  Another year, gone.  Swept under this growing rug that is my life.

And this year, as odd as it sounds, I want to be brave.

I want to make new friends and try new things and somehow get my words to reach the far corners of this earth.  I want to inspire.

And so, I suppose, to bring a conclusion to this rambling mess of a post, I'd just like to officially bid summer farewell.  'Twas good in many ways.  Hard in others.  But as much as I'd like to just stay bitter about the bad parts, I think it would be much wiser to thank God for the good parts.  And to trust that as He is telling the story, and I am merely playing the part, He knows what He's doing.  And He has much better things in store for us.

So just remember this one thing for me: always be a little scared, so you can be a little brave.

...Love, Anna...

It's Not What You Do, It's Who You Are

I like to pretend that I'm above it all - that I really don't care what people think of me.

But that's a lie that I can't even get myself to believe.

Oh how I wish it was true, but it's one of the hardest obstacles for anyone to overcome.

In my own safe little corner of the universe, I can confidently say that I love who I am and
have no need to prove myself
to anyone.

But out in "the world" I suddenly become overwhelmed by all the
labels and judgments
that get shoved onto my head.
Drowning, it seems,
in all that I feel
I have to be
to prove myself,
to be worthy.

"Well if only they could see me,
if they could see 
the real me",
I plead.

Because no matter where I go, the answer is unwavering,
"It's not who you are, it's what you do that matters."

It's about what sport you play.
It's about what grades you receive.
It's about what role you get in the school production.
It's about how beautiful you are.
It's about that number on the scale.
It's about how much time you spend on your hair.
It's about which friends you have.
It's about what clothes you buy.

But none of this defines me.
Who you are is not what you do.
Who you are is not your waist size,
Or your class rank,
Or your spot on the varsity team.

It's how you treat those who can do nothing for you.
It's being a friend to the friendless,
It's honoring your parents
And respecting your teachers.
It's putting the One who died for YOU on a CROSS so that you may have ETERNAL LIFE
FIRST in your life and in your heart.

I really do wish I could look in the mirror and say,
"You're talented. You're beautiful. You're smart.  No matter what they say."
I really do wish I was above the crazy expectations of a world who never stops demanding more.

I'm not, though.
And it's a struggle that never stops,
And it's a struggle that everyone has to face.

Just this morning I was singing one of my favorite hymns, and its simple and beautiful words made me realize that all of the things the world tries to define you as are so insignificant in the LORD's eyes,

"Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise.
Thou mine inheritance, now and always.
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart.
High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art."

I hope that you can take a moment today to look at yourself in the mirror
and decide. 

Decide that you are
enough.
Decide that you are
beautiful.
Decide that you are
loved.
By God and by yourself.

Then on the days when you feel like you can't ever possibly be sufficient for anyone,
you can remember that you decided;
it's not what you do, it's who you are.

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration:

"...I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure.  My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor.  Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." 

~Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

Rivers and Roads

                                  For Will

Well, off you go, rivers and roads away from home and from me.

Oddly, I'm not feeling as sad as I thought I would.

Sure, you're 10 hours from good ole Grove City, but it's this new chapter, these new pages that are somehow satisfying me at least for now.  These untouched, fresh pages of our lives that go on despite change.  These pages where God has already written in His plans.

*Some facts I know for sure are that

The house will be less filled with your strumming, your voice, and your music.
We will both continue our journeys - yours in Nashville, and mine here (or goodness knows where).
I will try my best to follow your examples - to be a better writer, a more dedicated Believer, and a more earnest Follower.
There will be days (many days) when my missing you will overrule my being happy for you.  But in those days (and in every day between), I am always and forever proud of you.*

As much as I'm excited to embark on this new chapter in both of our lives, I still have a stabbing feeling of nostalgia knowing that gone are the days of your (and very soon my) childhood.

Regardless of my few but stubborn attempts to stop time, it keeps pulling.  It keeps pulling at me slowly, surely, and completely.  And the child in me wants to scream and yell and pry its insistent hands from my arms.  And in a moment of defeat, or denial, or acceptance, if you please, I realized time has to go on.

You have to leave,
I have to grow.

So in one last effort to hold onto times gone past, I want to say a brief and sincere thank you.

Thank you for the imaginary places and games we made up when all Grove City had to offer was rain and gray clouds.
Thank you for the "Oh snappidity-dappity"s, the "FBI fights", for being the dog before we got Snickers, all the "sister of mine"s, "come on, son"s, and Sheetz runs.
Thank you for the Doctor Who marathons, the long talks, and the endless laughter and smiles you always provide.
Thank you for the bottomless pit of music you've opened my eyes to - Mumford and Sons, The Avett Brothers, The Head and the Heart, The Lumineers, Bob Dylan, Twenty-One Pilots, The Oh Hellos, to name a few.
And thank you most of all for seeing the greatness in me even when I didn't see it myself.

Simply, thank you for being my brother. 
Now go, pursue your dreams. 

"A year from now, we'll all be gone,
All our friends will move away,
And they're going to better places,
But our friends will be gone away.

And nothing is as it has been,
And I miss your face like hell.
I guess it's just as well,
But I miss your face like hell.

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh

Been talkin' about the way things change,
And my family lives in a different state.
And if you don't know what to make of this,
Then we will not relate.
Yeah, if you don't know what to make of this,
Then we will not relate.

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh

Rivers and roads,
Rivers and roads,
Rivers 'til I reach you..."

Love, always,
Anna

P.S. Here's a link to the song for those of you who don't know it:

And It All Came Tumbling Down

So I have drafted at least three different posts over the past couple weeks thinking one of them would stick.  There is just so much to say and no good way to say any of it.

So here I am, "improv" writing these words, hoping they will somewhat make sense, and praying I am saying the right things.

Have you ever felt over-full?  Not your stomach, your heart.  Like your heart is so full of so many emotions and events and just life in general, that you're afraid if you trip it might all come spilling up over the edge and there will be no way of gathering it all back and carefully tucking it away?

Let's just say that I am extremely heart-full.

But it's not just sadness or anger or joy or love.  It's this complicated jungle-mess of everything I feel and wish and regret and hope and wonder.  It's a culmination of everything I thought I knew and everything I wish I didn't.

It's this tugging feeling of looking back over my shoulder and burying my head in my chest and forging ahead.  It's this road that I see in front of my feet - so exciting and full of hope.  It's this trampled path behind that I feel such devotion to but can't retrace my steps in its direction.

And it's this wall that I've carefully been building my whole life without ever really realizing it.  This wall of all the opinions I came to accept as facts, all the truths I came to know as faith, and all the love that somehow slithered its way into hate.  This wall of perfectly placed doctrines, of memories, of people, of trust.  Of all the things I've felt, past and present, of love and friendship and tears and laughter.  This wall of everything I've ever known and everything I've ever come to trust.

And it all came tumbling down.

This wall, my wall, came down brick by brick, exposing life itself, unguarded, unshielded, in its true form apart from what I'd come to make of it.

The irony is that I didn't need the wall.  And life didn't scare me.  And the truth hurt, but didn't break me.

I built my wall out of my own volition and my own foolish "need" to make sense of everything myself.  The wall did not protect me, but rather He who held me was my protector.  He who set me apart from the world.  He who came, He who loved, He who lived among sin, He who died for sinners, He who died for me.  He held me.

He is what remains when everything you trusted and believed is stripped away.

He is my wall.

He is the road in front of my feet.

He is the light unto my path.

And it all came tumbling down.

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration: