Don't Carry it All

By Friday of this week I was dead-beat and the only thoughts I had left were of sleep.

I find myself at the edge of this same precipice every year.

Finding the strength and will to get up every morning sometimes is about all I can muster and I've become consumed by lists and sticky notes and I'm so focused on only the things I can
cross off instead of what really
matters.

Instead of thinking "here I am" I find myself wondering
"where to next" and if for one fleeting moment I find myself sitting idle the only thought that enters my mind is
"what am I forgetting?"

I trick myself into thinking that I can carry it all,
that I have it all together -
I can be a perfect student, editor, actress, administrator, writer, friend, daughter, and sister.

I can do it all.

This past week tears and meltdowns and sleeplessness proved only that I am weak.

That I am wholly insufficient
without the steady arms of
my God.

I've found this to be true so many times I've lost count,
yet still I stand here,
staring over this canyon of all the things that
overwhelm me,
and am too stubborn to turn to the One who conquered them all.

This week, may we once again make God
the center of our lives,
and may we be humble enough to let Him
carry us.

...love, anna...

This is Not the Story

One day,
I hope to hold my child's hands in my hands,
if I am blessed with a child,
and tell him or her
my story.

I'll whisper in my child's ear,
"this is not the story
I had planned,"
and I'll look down at those perfect fingers
in my too-old ones,
"but this is my story."

I hope that my years of growing pains,
all the pencil marks on the closet wall,
and all the growing pains that left me broken,
but somehow,
stronger,
will lead me to tell
the truth.

I hope when I tell my story
I'll have forgiven myself
for the things I cannot be,
and I hope when I tell my story
I'll love myself
for the things I am
that make me
whole.

When you ask for the first time,
I'll try my hardest to look into your eyes,
your carved fingers
held tight in mine,
and I'll try my hardest to tell you that
this is not the story
I may have written for myself,

but the author of Beauty knows far more than me,
and after all,
this is His story.

...love, anna...

We're Alive, and It's Not by Accident

I wanted to take a moment this week to send a reminder out there -
to whoever you are -
that you're very much alive
and it's not by accident.

I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but often times I feel like I become easily bogged down by the negativity of the people around me and by my own negativity.

We all complain.  We all complain TOO MUCH.

This week I just want to remind you what a beautiful, broken GIFT
your life is.
We're not here just because.

We're alive and breathing and we have so much to sing and speak and dance and write about.

We're here and we're privileged and we're blessed.
We get to WAKE UP in the morning,
we get to GO TO SCHOOL,
we get to BE EDUCATED,
we get to LEARN NEW PERSPECTIVES.

We're here and we're all broken in certain unfixable ways but
we can go to the sink AND DRINK WATER
we can go to the store AND BUY FOOD.

We have BOOKS to read and MUSIC to listen to and a BEAUTIFUL world around us.
We're not STUCK in Grove City, we're LIVING in Grove City, and we're SAFE.

We have BEDS to sleep in when we're tired,
COFFEE to wake us up,
HOMEWORK to make us think.

We have WORDS.  We have THOUGHTS.  We are ALIVE.
And it's not by accident.

We need to start rejoicing, because no matter what you're going through, there is ALWAYS a reason to give thanks.

God gave you this life,
and it's not by accident.

...love, anna...

"This is the day the LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." ~Psalm 118:24

Thoughts from a Sleep Deprived 16-Year-Old

So this whole sleep thing...is not happening.

You'll have to forgive my half-conscious thoughts, here.

For this post I'm just going to list a bunch of random, possibly unimportant, but possibly (maybe) wise thoughts I've been having of late.

Deep breath.  Here we go.

1. School is starting on Tuesday and that sucks.  Not really the school part - I guess I'm dreading the high school part - if you know what I'm getting at.

2. I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately.  And something Maya Angelou said about it - "It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself - to forgive.  Forgive everybody."
Why is it so difficult to forgive?

3. There's a real big whopping difference between being honest and being insensitive.  As a sensitive (and often times, over-sensitive) person, I find honest people to be difficult, and honesty in general a rather hard pill to swallow.

4. I'm not above it all.  And I sure as heck don't have all my crap together.

5.  Humility vs. Giant Insecurities.  Am I humble or am I afraid?

6.  Listening.  I think it's one of the most important qualities a person can have.  We all carry untold stories inside of us, and we all want them to be heard.

7.  Cynicism.  How do you move on from hurt without becoming cynical and bitter?

8.  There may be two sides to a story, but there's only one truth.

9.  It's never as simple as it seems.  (It's never as complicated, either.)

10.  I should sleep. (But I probably won't.)

...love, anna...

And This is All I Know

All I know is that life is
horribly wonderful
and
painfully beautiful.

And that somewhere between sunrises and
graduation caps
and wedding vows
and tears,
there is growth.

And that sometimes before that growth takes place
we have to make decisions
that sometimes tear us a little.
But in order to grow,
we must stretch.

All I know is that God keeps pulling me back.
Back, constantly, and relentlessly,
despite my foolish meanderings,
my attempts to carry it all,
my refusal to let go.

And I have so much further to go,
and I am so tired.

But He is not finished with me yet.

This unfolding of years is my story,
and I am not the author,
but you're welcome to read.

All I know is that somewhere between
the bitterness,
the anger,
the months of keeping it all in,
the walls I've built,
and the words I'm too afraid to say,
is a God who knows,
a God who sees,
who loves,
who forgives.

He is writing this story, these words, and He's not finished yet.

And this is all I know.

...Love, Anna...

Okay, I Lied

I know I said I'd be back in September but here I am,
it's August 10th,
and I can think of little else.

I'm not sure I'm ready to recount all of my adventures this summer or spit out some deep and meaningful rant about life.

I just want to stop by, say hello, so you know I still exist and still have something to say.

The dwindling weeks of summer will soon give way to another year of school and craziness, but as my brother reminds me quite frequently,

"A man never steps in the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he is not the same man." ~Heraclitus

That is all for today.

It's good to be back.

...Love, Anna...

A Break I Will Take

Hey y'all!

After some thinking (and a whole lot of failed writing attempts) I have decided to take the summer off from this here blog of mine.

I hope to expand my horizons this summer and start writing a lot of new material.  Recently, I've gotten really into spoken-word poetry (check it out: Sarah Kay: Spoken-Word) and I hope to work mainly on that this summer as well as try to get involved in some spoken-word groups in Pittsburgh.

We'll see what happens.

I will return in September to recount all of my grand (or not-so-grand) adventures of the summer months.

It's been a great and challenging year for me and I'm so thankful for all I've learned.  Thank you for reading and don't forget about me!

I'll be back!
Don't miss me too much. ;)

...Love, Anna...