Dimly

"for now we see in a mirror dimly"

and is this mirror dim?

I don't know what I see or how brightly I see it.

I can't help it - these descending leaves and this crescendoing of years is what gets me.

there was a time when there were twelve hands around our table and though I feel sufficient with six, I am not whole without

the other half.

"then we shall see face to face"

here we go 'round the clock again, and yet, I think these changing colors can only signify another season of darkness.

conflicted again, I go to the mirror in search of some beauty, am I not face to face with the fact of 

falling?

here I go - mending and lending my sarcasm.

was it not for the hope of something

that we fell?

"for now we see in a mirror dimly"

wouldn't I love to be more than dimly noted -

there stands she, more or less enough.

"then we shall see face to face"

there must be something metaphorically wrong with me,

I see too brightly.

...love, anna...

Echoes

if there's anything I've learned from
tears
it's that pain is not relative -
if it hurts, it hurts.

if there's anything I want you to know,
it's this -
that you are not
an echo.

and if you're somewhere wondering
with age-old tears
how many times you must send your echoes
into the past
until you finally realize how very far you are
from it,

let me tell you that
you are far
and wide
and deeply
separated from
it.

and no amount of tears or guilt or self-hate
can ever amount to how much
worth you are
in His arms

or how very far and wide and deeply
He has forgiven you.

and if you're sitting, wondering who or what or why it is
that you've cried so much for,
let me tell you that you

are so much more loved
than you could ever dare dream.

that you

are very much alive
and very much forgiven.

I know - you think you can't overcome -
you think you'll never be more than
an echo,
reverberating through
past mistakes -
softer, softer,
until you
fade.

I know - there is much pain.

but somewhere between birthmarks and crows' feet
you'll be okay

somewhere -
between side A and side B,
you'll find your way.

and I know that you are so much more than
an echo
and you deserve so much more than to
hear yourself vibrating along
empty walls.

and if there's anything I've learned from tears it's that
pain is not relative,

and if you're wondering how many more times you must
echo into the past...

if it hurts, it hurts.

Why I am Unabashed (and why you should be too)

In the recent months I've been working on a project that deals with an issue I'm very passionate about.

It's the issue of beauty.

And I know...I KNOW...

you're probably tired of hearing that 

"You're beautiful no matter what they say"

and

"It's what's on the inside that counts."

These things may be true, however, my goal is not to reiterate everything you've been told a million times simply because I know if I do that no one will listen.

I'm tired of hearing it too.

My mission is NOT to through a bunch of cliches at you and call it a day.  I'm not trying to create some feminist soap box on which to put down men and society.  And I'm not trying to place blame on any particular party.

My mission is simply this:

To seek beauty - to seek the beauty that can only come from Christ - and to seek it boldly and unabashedly.  And if I encourage even one other girl to do the same along the way, then I'd consider that a victory.

So here it is, world - listen close girls, boys, men, women -

I am unabashed.

I'm tired of being told that I'm not 

enough -

that my beauty can only be based on numbers, scales, and measurements.

I'm tired of believing that I am somehow

lacking -

just because I can't get guys' attention.

I'm tired of seeing girls throw away their self-respect just to win 

the wrong kind of attention.

So to this generation,

and to all future generations,

let me tell you -

There's nothing wrong with you.

There's nothing wrong with loving yourself -

forgiving your flaws,

seeing past your imperfections,

and embracing the fact that here you are -

very much alive,

and very much beautiful.

I love my God and all I want is for His beauty to shine through me,

and it is inconsequential whether or not 

anyone else sees the beauty in me,

because I know who I am,

I know what I believe,

and I've chosen

to love myself and to be

unabashed of that.

...love, anna...

For more information on the project and our upcoming event on November 8th at Beans on Broad, like the facebook page!

Unabashed

Don't Carry it All

By Friday of this week I was dead-beat and the only thoughts I had left were of sleep.

I find myself at the edge of this same precipice every year.

Finding the strength and will to get up every morning sometimes is about all I can muster and I've become consumed by lists and sticky notes and I'm so focused on only the things I can
cross off instead of what really
matters.

Instead of thinking "here I am" I find myself wondering
"where to next" and if for one fleeting moment I find myself sitting idle the only thought that enters my mind is
"what am I forgetting?"

I trick myself into thinking that I can carry it all,
that I have it all together -
I can be a perfect student, editor, actress, administrator, writer, friend, daughter, and sister.

I can do it all.

This past week tears and meltdowns and sleeplessness proved only that I am weak.

That I am wholly insufficient
without the steady arms of
my God.

I've found this to be true so many times I've lost count,
yet still I stand here,
staring over this canyon of all the things that
overwhelm me,
and am too stubborn to turn to the One who conquered them all.

This week, may we once again make God
the center of our lives,
and may we be humble enough to let Him
carry us.

...love, anna...

This is Not the Story

One day,
I hope to hold my child's hands in my hands,
if I am blessed with a child,
and tell him or her
my story.

I'll whisper in my child's ear,
"this is not the story
I had planned,"
and I'll look down at those perfect fingers
in my too-old ones,
"but this is my story."

I hope that my years of growing pains,
all the pencil marks on the closet wall,
and all the growing pains that left me broken,
but somehow,
stronger,
will lead me to tell
the truth.

I hope when I tell my story
I'll have forgiven myself
for the things I cannot be,
and I hope when I tell my story
I'll love myself
for the things I am
that make me
whole.

When you ask for the first time,
I'll try my hardest to look into your eyes,
your carved fingers
held tight in mine,
and I'll try my hardest to tell you that
this is not the story
I may have written for myself,

but the author of Beauty knows far more than me,
and after all,
this is His story.

...love, anna...

We're Alive, and It's Not by Accident

I wanted to take a moment this week to send a reminder out there -
to whoever you are -
that you're very much alive
and it's not by accident.

I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but often times I feel like I become easily bogged down by the negativity of the people around me and by my own negativity.

We all complain.  We all complain TOO MUCH.

This week I just want to remind you what a beautiful, broken GIFT
your life is.
We're not here just because.

We're alive and breathing and we have so much to sing and speak and dance and write about.

We're here and we're privileged and we're blessed.
We get to WAKE UP in the morning,
we get to GO TO SCHOOL,
we get to BE EDUCATED,
we get to LEARN NEW PERSPECTIVES.

We're here and we're all broken in certain unfixable ways but
we can go to the sink AND DRINK WATER
we can go to the store AND BUY FOOD.

We have BOOKS to read and MUSIC to listen to and a BEAUTIFUL world around us.
We're not STUCK in Grove City, we're LIVING in Grove City, and we're SAFE.

We have BEDS to sleep in when we're tired,
COFFEE to wake us up,
HOMEWORK to make us think.

We have WORDS.  We have THOUGHTS.  We are ALIVE.
And it's not by accident.

We need to start rejoicing, because no matter what you're going through, there is ALWAYS a reason to give thanks.

God gave you this life,
and it's not by accident.

...love, anna...

"This is the day the LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." ~Psalm 118:24

Thoughts from a Sleep Deprived 16-Year-Old

So this whole sleep thing...is not happening.

You'll have to forgive my half-conscious thoughts, here.

For this post I'm just going to list a bunch of random, possibly unimportant, but possibly (maybe) wise thoughts I've been having of late.

Deep breath.  Here we go.

1. School is starting on Tuesday and that sucks.  Not really the school part - I guess I'm dreading the high school part - if you know what I'm getting at.

2. I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately.  And something Maya Angelou said about it - "It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself - to forgive.  Forgive everybody."
Why is it so difficult to forgive?

3. There's a real big whopping difference between being honest and being insensitive.  As a sensitive (and often times, over-sensitive) person, I find honest people to be difficult, and honesty in general a rather hard pill to swallow.

4. I'm not above it all.  And I sure as heck don't have all my crap together.

5.  Humility vs. Giant Insecurities.  Am I humble or am I afraid?

6.  Listening.  I think it's one of the most important qualities a person can have.  We all carry untold stories inside of us, and we all want them to be heard.

7.  Cynicism.  How do you move on from hurt without becoming cynical and bitter?

8.  There may be two sides to a story, but there's only one truth.

9.  It's never as simple as it seems.  (It's never as complicated, either.)

10.  I should sleep. (But I probably won't.)

...love, anna...