He Wins

I would like to share with you something that has been on my mind a lot of late.  It is summed up beautifully and perfectly in these simple words: 

This has always been one of the biggest challenges in my faith, and I think a huge road block in becoming even closer to God.  

Here's the thing that I know deep down in my heart, the thing that scares me, the thing I never want to admit but has always nagged at me:  I can't save people.  That's the truth of it.  

Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this vicious cycle of trying and trying and trying to save people, and always, inevitably ending up crying myself to sleep wondering what I'm doing wrong or what I'm not doing enough of.   

I think this year God said "Enough already - let's face this problem head on."  And sure enough, He did.  

It's been a long road, this friendship I've developed with a very hurting girl, and it's bound to continue to be long.  But God has taught me what it means to love, what it means to be a friend (a REAL friend), and most of all, what it means to let go and trust that He is doing His will, and that it's not for me to know. 

For the first time in my life, I can understand this quote perfectly: 

And let me ask you something.  Have you ever had the opportunity to look someone in the eye, who very likely has never been properly loved their entire life, and say to them "I love you"?

I'm telling you, if you haven't, you don't know love.  I mean that.

Through this adventure, this winding road, I've learned the most beautiful element of faith.

Helplessness.

In an earlier post, I expressed how I've always had trouble letting God lead my life.  There is nothing scarier than squandering in confusion and not knowing what to do.  But being in that position is also very beautiful, because it exposes our vulnerability - it exposes how much we need our Savior.  

Through this helplessness, we have no choice but to turn to Christ in prayer, and again I have come to fully grasp the meaning of these words:

I know you may be reading this and wondering what on earth I'm talking about (by the way, if you're totally lost - read my post "God and Gym Class") but, to bring this back to my main point, I just want to say that if there is nothing in the world you can possibly do for someone to help them, and you feel helpless, know that it is in the hands of someone much greater.  And know that if you love this person, that is all God asks of you.  Love them and pray for them.

When I first learned about this girl's awful life, I was very angry.  I was so angry, in fact, I've never felt so angry in my whole life.  I was angry at the people who mistreated her, the teachers who neglected to help her, the people in her life who refused to see her hurting, and my peers who were always so entranced in their own worlds to care about her.  

How could they not see? How could they not care?  I wanted to scream.

I spent weeks pushing the matter out of my mind, praying prayers I was doubtful would ever be answered, crying bitter tears over the unbalanced world, and all the time feeling guilty for being so blessed.  And I puzzled over what to do and who to tell.

At some point, something clicked in me, some sort of Holy Spirit nudge that somehow did not make everything right, but made everything hopeful.  And that is how I choose to see it.  There is hope, is there not?  There is hope in the fact that Jesus is using me to find His way into my friend's heart.  There is hope that though she is trapped in darkness, God is light.  There is hope that though I can't save people, I have a God who can and who will and who does and who DID.

And for once I can honestly say:

Dear Friend,

I know you don't read this blog.  I know you don't believe in God or the fact that there is hope.  You may not believe that I love you or that He loves you.  You may not see the wonderful person I know you are.  You may not think there is help.  You may think that my faith is bogus, or that I don't really believe.  

But I want you to know that there is hope, I do love you, God does love you, you are a wonderful person, there is help, that I believe with every ounce of my being in a Savior far greater than I, and God is real.  

And He wins.

....Love, Anna....

For My Very Best Friend

Dear Mom,

Of all the words in the whole world, every word I've ever known or spoken or written, there is only one that can fully describe and embody everything about you.  Love.

All my life you and Dad have raised me in the shelter of your love and of Christ's love.  I say shelter not in the sense that you've tried to keep me away from the world or protect me from it, but in the sense that when I was vulnerable to the world, when its limbs reached out to hurt me, or to tempt me, or even to break me, I knew I was secure in the shelter of love I had with you.  I knew whatever happened, whatever I learned, whatever I did, whatever I went through, I was welcome back into the shelter of love where I knew I was always safe and always wanted.

One of the greatest things in the whole world are hugs from you.  Everything I am and am trying to be just melts into everything you are.  The love that envelopes me has no need for words.  I love to just let it sit there, let it exist, let it be known without a sound.  Nothing has ever made me feel more complete or more loved than being in your arms and staying there for as long as I need.

My favorite thing about you is that you are the perfect mix of friend and mother.  You are my best friend - always have been and always will be.  You've watched friends come and go, and you've remained faithful and constant. I love that I can tell you anything and it won't make you love me any more or any less.  I love that we can laugh together, cry together, and be our weird and wacky selves together.  I love that we don't share the same style but you let me be my own individual and are never trying to make me into someone or something I'm not.  I love that you forgive quickly and easily and that you put up with my sass, my bad moods, and my ever-changing emotions.  I love that you support me in everything I do, and not just out of obligation, but with your whole heart.

Just a little while ago a friend of mine asked me if I talked to my Mom.  I said, "Yes, I tell her everything."  And it made me so sad to think that not every girl gets to have the friendship we have.

I want you to know that though I am not a perfect daughter, I try to be the best one I can be.  And I want you to know that I strive to be everything you are as a mother, a friend, a wife, and a believer.

The next three years are bound to be full of hardships and laughter and grief and joy and lots of change.  But I know that you've been here since day one - literally - and not one day, not one hour, not one moment will pass when you won't be here.  And I am so excited and so thankful for all of the years we've had and all of the years to come.

Thank you, Mom.

Thank you for understanding me more than any other human being on this planet.
Thank you for everything you've taught me and for everything you are.
Thank you for loving me completely when it's hardest to love me, because that is when I need it most.
Thank you for being my best friend.
Thank you for you.

Love,
Anna

Badlands, South Dakota