It's Not What You Do, It's Who You Are

I like to pretend that I'm above it all - that I really don't care what people think of me.

But that's a lie that I can't even get myself to believe.

Oh how I wish it was true, but it's one of the hardest obstacles for anyone to overcome.

In my own safe little corner of the universe, I can confidently say that I love who I am and
have no need to prove myself
to anyone.

But out in "the world" I suddenly become overwhelmed by all the
labels and judgments
that get shoved onto my head.
Drowning, it seems,
in all that I feel
I have to be
to prove myself,
to be worthy.

"Well if only they could see me,
if they could see 
the real me",
I plead.

Because no matter where I go, the answer is unwavering,
"It's not who you are, it's what you do that matters."

It's about what sport you play.
It's about what grades you receive.
It's about what role you get in the school production.
It's about how beautiful you are.
It's about that number on the scale.
It's about how much time you spend on your hair.
It's about which friends you have.
It's about what clothes you buy.

But none of this defines me.
Who you are is not what you do.
Who you are is not your waist size,
Or your class rank,
Or your spot on the varsity team.

It's how you treat those who can do nothing for you.
It's being a friend to the friendless,
It's honoring your parents
And respecting your teachers.
It's putting the One who died for YOU on a CROSS so that you may have ETERNAL LIFE
FIRST in your life and in your heart.

I really do wish I could look in the mirror and say,
"You're talented. You're beautiful. You're smart.  No matter what they say."
I really do wish I was above the crazy expectations of a world who never stops demanding more.

I'm not, though.
And it's a struggle that never stops,
And it's a struggle that everyone has to face.

Just this morning I was singing one of my favorite hymns, and its simple and beautiful words made me realize that all of the things the world tries to define you as are so insignificant in the LORD's eyes,

"Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise.
Thou mine inheritance, now and always.
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart.
High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art."

I hope that you can take a moment today to look at yourself in the mirror
and decide. 

Decide that you are
enough.
Decide that you are
beautiful.
Decide that you are
loved.
By God and by yourself.

Then on the days when you feel like you can't ever possibly be sufficient for anyone,
you can remember that you decided;
it's not what you do, it's who you are.

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration:

"...I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure.  My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor.  Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." 

~Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

Rivers and Roads

                                  For Will

Well, off you go, rivers and roads away from home and from me.

Oddly, I'm not feeling as sad as I thought I would.

Sure, you're 10 hours from good ole Grove City, but it's this new chapter, these new pages that are somehow satisfying me at least for now.  These untouched, fresh pages of our lives that go on despite change.  These pages where God has already written in His plans.

*Some facts I know for sure are that

The house will be less filled with your strumming, your voice, and your music.
We will both continue our journeys - yours in Nashville, and mine here (or goodness knows where).
I will try my best to follow your examples - to be a better writer, a more dedicated Believer, and a more earnest Follower.
There will be days (many days) when my missing you will overrule my being happy for you.  But in those days (and in every day between), I am always and forever proud of you.*

As much as I'm excited to embark on this new chapter in both of our lives, I still have a stabbing feeling of nostalgia knowing that gone are the days of your (and very soon my) childhood.

Regardless of my few but stubborn attempts to stop time, it keeps pulling.  It keeps pulling at me slowly, surely, and completely.  And the child in me wants to scream and yell and pry its insistent hands from my arms.  And in a moment of defeat, or denial, or acceptance, if you please, I realized time has to go on.

You have to leave,
I have to grow.

So in one last effort to hold onto times gone past, I want to say a brief and sincere thank you.

Thank you for the imaginary places and games we made up when all Grove City had to offer was rain and gray clouds.
Thank you for the "Oh snappidity-dappity"s, the "FBI fights", for being the dog before we got Snickers, all the "sister of mine"s, "come on, son"s, and Sheetz runs.
Thank you for the Doctor Who marathons, the long talks, and the endless laughter and smiles you always provide.
Thank you for the bottomless pit of music you've opened my eyes to - Mumford and Sons, The Avett Brothers, The Head and the Heart, The Lumineers, Bob Dylan, Twenty-One Pilots, The Oh Hellos, to name a few.
And thank you most of all for seeing the greatness in me even when I didn't see it myself.

Simply, thank you for being my brother. 
Now go, pursue your dreams. 

"A year from now, we'll all be gone,
All our friends will move away,
And they're going to better places,
But our friends will be gone away.

And nothing is as it has been,
And I miss your face like hell.
I guess it's just as well,
But I miss your face like hell.

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh

Been talkin' about the way things change,
And my family lives in a different state.
And if you don't know what to make of this,
Then we will not relate.
Yeah, if you don't know what to make of this,
Then we will not relate.

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh

Rivers and roads,
Rivers and roads,
Rivers 'til I reach you..."

Love, always,
Anna

P.S. Here's a link to the song for those of you who don't know it:

And It All Came Tumbling Down

So I have drafted at least three different posts over the past couple weeks thinking one of them would stick.  There is just so much to say and no good way to say any of it.

So here I am, "improv" writing these words, hoping they will somewhat make sense, and praying I am saying the right things.

Have you ever felt over-full?  Not your stomach, your heart.  Like your heart is so full of so many emotions and events and just life in general, that you're afraid if you trip it might all come spilling up over the edge and there will be no way of gathering it all back and carefully tucking it away?

Let's just say that I am extremely heart-full.

But it's not just sadness or anger or joy or love.  It's this complicated jungle-mess of everything I feel and wish and regret and hope and wonder.  It's a culmination of everything I thought I knew and everything I wish I didn't.

It's this tugging feeling of looking back over my shoulder and burying my head in my chest and forging ahead.  It's this road that I see in front of my feet - so exciting and full of hope.  It's this trampled path behind that I feel such devotion to but can't retrace my steps in its direction.

And it's this wall that I've carefully been building my whole life without ever really realizing it.  This wall of all the opinions I came to accept as facts, all the truths I came to know as faith, and all the love that somehow slithered its way into hate.  This wall of perfectly placed doctrines, of memories, of people, of trust.  Of all the things I've felt, past and present, of love and friendship and tears and laughter.  This wall of everything I've ever known and everything I've ever come to trust.

And it all came tumbling down.

This wall, my wall, came down brick by brick, exposing life itself, unguarded, unshielded, in its true form apart from what I'd come to make of it.

The irony is that I didn't need the wall.  And life didn't scare me.  And the truth hurt, but didn't break me.

I built my wall out of my own volition and my own foolish "need" to make sense of everything myself.  The wall did not protect me, but rather He who held me was my protector.  He who set me apart from the world.  He who came, He who loved, He who lived among sin, He who died for sinners, He who died for me.  He held me.

He is what remains when everything you trusted and believed is stripped away.

He is my wall.

He is the road in front of my feet.

He is the light unto my path.

And it all came tumbling down.

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration:

 

Perspective

It has been so long since I have mentioned my "One Word(s) 2013": living sacrifice.

It has been so long since I've thought about it.

It has become what I feared most: a phrase I am numb and indifferent to.  A phrase that means close to nothing to me.  Because quite honestly I don't know what it's suppose to mean.  What does God really want from me?  How can I be His living sacrifice?

Recent events in my life have caused me to puzzle over some tough questions and some tough choices that lay ahead.  In the midst of this, I wonder how I can be a living sacrifice to God?

By no means do I think God expects us to be flitting around all the time, singing praises to Him and never questioning His power and grace.  I don't think that's what God wants when He asks us to be living sacrifices.

God understands that our lives are sometimes really hard.  He's been in our place.  He knows that sometimes we suffer, cry, struggle with doubt and fear and anger.  I think He knows that some days we just need to be sad and wonder.

But being a living sacrifice means that even when we have doubts, when we are in the midst of troubles, when we have those sad days, bad moods, fears and anger, we still hold on to Him.  We don't turn away and forget about all the good He's done, is doing, and will do in our lives.  By handing over our troubles and by holding onto the promise that they will test us but never overcome us is sacrificing to God.

I'm going to be completely honest with you, last week was a  really hard week for me.  A lot is going on in my life.  I was really sad.  But through all of it (and it's far from over) God was still with me.  God was still holding me.  The Holy Spirit was still lighting my day and guiding my night.

And He still held true to His promise that:

And not only that, but He has given me so much fresh perspective.  He's made me question the things in my life that I held to be most important, and He's made me realize He does indeed have plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  

So I just want to take this moment to say thank you, LORD.  And to say that God does keep His promises and He is holding you even when it feels like you're falling.  

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration: