The Greatest of These

Today being December 22, and Christmas being December 25, I've come to realize that I haven't even thought much about Christmas this year.

No, my life's been too "full" of other things to worry and complain about that I think, subconsciously, I refused to take the time to rejoice in the one thing I've always had.

As some of you may know, my life has been (or at least has seemed to be) a never slowing, ever-steepening, always moving roller coaster since this August.  And every time I think I've finally found my footing again, some new change occurs and I find myself thrown into another swirling storm of change.

Change.

Nothing ever seems constant to me anymore.

And as I came to realize that I haven't rejoiced in a while, I also realized why.
My heart has become so hardened.
Hardened because of change.
Hardened because things haven't turned out the way I wanted them too.
People have disappointed me.
I have disappointed myself.

But I guess the truth is that nothing in this world is constant, and never will be.  We can't keep searching for some source of hope, some perfect love, or some fulfilling peace.  Because nothing in this world can ever grant us that.

And even though these past four months, to put it frankly, have sucked, I think God's point in all of it - not saying I've enjoyed any part of it or have been anywhere near gracious about anything - was that He, and ONLY He, is constant.

He is our source of hope, our perfect love, our fulfilled AND fulfilling peace.

And if I'm being honest, I've been no where near the type of person I know God made me to be in far, far too long.

So if there's anything you take from this messy rambling from a messy, rambling heart I hope that it's this:

"Now these three remain; faith, hope, and love.  But the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13:13

Let this time of year remind us, even though we should always be reminded of this, of the love God has for us.  So much love that He would give us His only son.  That a human woman would bear him.  That He would live among us.  That He would walk this Earth.  That He would live. That He would die.  

It's about time this old heart of mine came to face these facts again.  To accept His love.  And to hold onto Him as my One and Only and True constant in this ever-changing, ever-disappointing world that never ceases to fill me with holes I can never repair on my own.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and pray that even as you and your family eat and drink and open presents, you will find 

the hope

and the joy

and the peace

and the love

that God,

our Constant,

gave,

and gives,

freely.

...Love, Anna...

In the Morning

I've been thinking about this lately.  Thinking, wondering, hoping, I suppose.

Thinking that maybe I will find joy in the morning.

Wondering what exactly "finding joy" means.

Hoping to someday find it.

Reading this verse, I can't help but feel a little cynical.  Because, honestly, I don't feel joyful in the morning. In fact, most mornings I mutter some nasty words in the direction of my alarm as it beeps me to consciousness, stumble into the bathroom, and hope that by some magical mixture of caffeine and Psalm-reading I'll suddenly be "joyful".

But digging deeper into this verse I find that though it promises joy, it's really telling us to have hope.  

It's saying that the sun will rise again, the trees will have leaves again, the night will come again, but the stars will shine again. 

"In the morning" may not literally be when you wake up every day.  "The morning" could take weeks, months, years to find.  The point of the verse is not about how easy "the night" is going to be.  It's not saying it's all going to be just fine, it's not saying what you're going through is fun or good or right. 

All it's trying to say it that, once you're through to the other side - to the light, the newness, the hope of the morning, there will be joy.  

Sometimes I think we're all living like this.  Somewhere right beneath the surface - wanting to come up for air and light - but some tiny bit of us still dragging us under, keeping us just inches away from the joy we would find above the surface.

We are all in this state at some point in our lives, whether we know it or not.  We're never fully on shore, and we're never completely drowning.  But if we hold on to that little glimmer just above us - that hope, that light that morning brings - we have been promised that we will find joy.

...Love, Anna...

You Can't

Dear whoever reads this,

I'm not gonna get up on my glorified soapbox and pull an "I have a dream..." speech from my back pocket and change the world.  

But I do have a dream and I suppose this is kind of my soap box.  

I guess I just want someone out there to know - I don't know who you are or why I want you to know this - that I understand you.  Because I know someone out there is probably wondering if anyone does.  I wonder that too - all the time.

So I just want to say that it's okay.  That you'll find your place and your people and your purpose.  And that maybe it will take time.  Years, decades, maybe your whole life. 

What's the fun in knowing exactly where you're supposed to go and who you're suppose to be?  The fun is in the not knowing.

If you're still reading, I'd like to give you just one piece of advice.  One thing to carry with you on your journey to who knows where on this road that seemingly has no end. I want you to know that people are so much more complicated than we'll ever know.

You can know someone for years and tell them everything and know all their secrets, and you still won't know the depth of their person completely.  

We can't say we hate someone when they've hurt and cried and felt all the same things we have.

We can't hate that tangled mess of humanity. 

We can't understand the things people do and say until we've understood everything they've seen, heard, and been told.  We can't know them.

I want you to know this because I've found, thus far in my short life, that the most beautiful people are sometimes the ugliest souls.  And the outcasts, the hated, the rejected, the lonely, are sometimes the most beautiful. 

I can promise you that if you look, if you try hard enough, you will find

friendship in the strangest of places,

hope in the most desolate tears,

beauty in the greatest of pain,

strength in times of struggle,

and love in our most beautiful Savior.

I can promise you that 

friends disappoint you,

sleepless nights of thought 

leave you void of reason,

dreams you thought were concrete plans

tumble down and leave you broken,

places where you used to find refuge

will turn their back on you.

But in all of this, I can promise you that

if you hold onto Him,

if you keep praying,

even if it's lame,

even if it's tears and no words,

even if it's once a year,

and you feel like He's left your side,

and you feel like you've fallen too far,

I can promise you that

you haven't

and you can't

and you won't ever

fall or flee or fly or run or sink

far enough or long enough or deep enough

to be removed from 

His love

and His grace

and His forgiveness.

So whoever you are, and for whatever reason the Holy Spirit prompted me to write this,

I pray and I hope and I believe that you will understand

and be understood.

Love,

Anna

The Fall

The last time I stopped by to say hello, outside my window there were brightly colored leaves.

Now I sit looking out the window at near-bare trees with sprinkles of dead brown just hanging on for dear life, waiting, it seems, holding their breath, almost, until the wind picks them up and carries them home.

And I sit here thinking, well isn't that just what we do?

We bud, we bloom, we blossom into green.  We absorb the rain, reject the sun.  We change, slowly, slowly, to new hues.  To red, to orange, to yellow.  We grow tired and decay.  And then we hang on, trembling, brown, to the tiniest of branches, until we

fall.

Until we blow away.

Isn't that just what we are?

Brown shaking leaves on brown decaying trees, drifting, one after another, to the earth.

What's the beauty in that, you might ask?

What's the beauty in holding on?  What's the beauty in falling?

I think the beauty is not in the new green of spring, or the steady vibrancy of summer, or the brash rebellion of autumn.  The beauty is in those fading days of fall, when the night gets darker and the sky grayer.  It's in the barren months of winter, when the once fully-clothed trees are but skeletons.  It's in the hope of another season, of new life and new rain and brighter sunshine.

Because as we hang on, dead leaves on gray twigs, God is whispering to us that we needn't be afraid to fall.
Because, He, who knows so much more than what we understand, promises to make us new.  Promises that His mercies are new every morning.  Promises that this life and all its troubles, will pass away.  And promises a new life for all those that trust Him enough to

fall.

Just a Hello

Well hello there, world.

It's been so long.

So. Long.

I thought I'd stop in and make an appearance since this is, after all, my blog.  And my life.

But, I fear, I have nothing good to say.  I'd like to just cop out and post a poem or a random blurb of thought I've had over the past weeks (oh goodness, nearly month) since I've posted.

But maybe I don't need to say anything particularly insightful.  Maybe I should just say "hello" and tell y'all some things I'm grateful for.

Life's moving at a pretty swift pace lately.  Sometimes it's hard to distinguish one sunrise from the next, and it's certainly impossible to know what day it is because I thought yesterday was today and tomorrow was a week from now, and yet here we are on October 20, 2013.

The leaves have changed color, like I've been egging them on to do for some time, and now they're falling, which I admittedly, am not ready for.  But the weather is perfect, crisp, and picturesque, and the light is so beautiful and tangible I feel like I could reach out and bend it.

The fall play is moving along frighteningly fast.  And it's the same imbalance of emotions.  Wanting everything to come together and the show to be here now, and wanting everything to drag it's feet so I can make the most of it while it's here.

I'm thankful for the chance to finally wear warm sweaters and boots and jackets.  And for coffee and blankets and pumpkins and the smell of leaves when I walk outside.

I'm thankful for family, for my brother's engagement, and for the excitement that it brings.

I'm thankful for music, how it expresses everything I feel when I have not the words to express it myself.

I'm thankful for God's mercy and forgiveness.  That even when I'm carrying the weight of all my burdens, God is carrying me.

I'm thankful for laughter, and the friends that bring that laughter to my life.

I'm thankful for mornings, even when I wish I was still sleeping, because they are full of hope, newness, and opportunity.

I'm thankful for prayer, and though I don't pray as much as I ought to, I love the fact that I can when and how and wherever I need to.

I'm thankful for words and how I can use them, shape them, see them, feel them every minute of every day.  I'm thankful for God's work through words and the beauty of words.

And I suppose I'm just thankful for this day that God gave me.  For peace.  For blessings.  For hope.

And that is all the good I have to say today.

I'm glad I stopped by.

...Love, Anna...

Be Still

I find that as my life becomes busier,
the days fly by,
and the clothes pile up on my floor,
and the homework piles up in my brain,
and every moment is just another swipe
on the clock's hand,
another minute gone,
finally,
so I can move on to the next.

But outside of this crazy bubble
is this crazy world of mine.

And the leaves are changing colors
and the sky is brilliantly blue
and here I am,
ignoring it,
too busy to enjoy it,
too selfish to be a part of it.

And all these things that I love are
happening,
now,
they're passing by under the tip of my nose
beneath my gaze,
they're just blowing away.

And how badly I want to stop and see these things for myself,
but it's always too late by the time I realize
I'm chugging along at appalling speeds,
and by the time I slow down enough to
see the world.

But maybe what's really important is not
what's happening in the world,
big and small,
but Who it is that's controlling it all.

Who holds the seasons in His hands,
and makes the earth turn,
and the day become night
and the night become day
yet again.

Who brings us into the new sunrise
every morning,
whether or not we want to be awake,
or in the world,
no matter how busy we think we are,
or how far we think we've fallen from
His grace.

We are here.
And we are His.
And we cannot run from Him.

I just want to take a minute to breath.
To inhale,
To exhale,
To know that He is here,
in my every day and every moment,
in my busy
and in my peace
in my best
and in my worst days,
and that He knows just what He's doing.

He knows the plans He has for us.

So, let us all,

Be still. And know that He is God.

...Love, Anna...

A Prayer

Dear God,

I find it strange that I can be so busy with my life and my friends and my homework
that I suddenly don't have time for
the God of the universe.

That I can be so full of this life that's moving at a tremendous speed
and yet so empty of
You.

That I can be so proud and selfish and oblivious to the fact that
You,
You, LORD,
have given me this air,
these lungs,
this heart of mine that races too fast,
these dreams that are too caught up
in the net of life.

That I haven't stopped to listen in so long.
Haven't even let You put a word in.
My prayers, so self-focused,
My thanks,
neglected and forgotten the second I get
what I want.

That I've been so blind to You, oh God.

I'm so sorry.

Thank You, LORD.
Thank You for Your unmistakable plan for my life.
Thank You for the gifts You've freely given.
Thank You for being within me, always.

Amen.

This week gone by was an emotional roller coaster.  And I've realized that if I don't center my life on the Creator of it, I'm bound to fall to pieces.

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration: 

"You give and take away,

You give and take away,

My heart will choose to say,

LORD blessed be Your name."

You Get What You Need

I wish I had the stamina to handle disappointment with grace,
even when I'm holding the broken pieces of my
craziest and most precious dreams in my hands.

I wish I had the faith to instantly turn to God
and say with a sincere heart,
"I didn't get what I wanted,
But I am still thankful."

I wish I had the strength and the wisdom to know
that God's plans are greater than
my wildest dreams.

But I simply do not.

I am broken and
human
and not fully formed into
the woman God has made me to
become.

I am not yet
wise
I am not yet
strong
My faith is yet
to be tested further
My heart is yet
to be filled with grace.

This is my short and whole-hearted petition.

That though I am not feeling strong or faithful or thankful,
That though my dreams have been dulled to a slight glimmer,
I will,
Someday,
Find the grace to say truly and sincerely,

"God, You knew what You were doing then,
And You still do,
And You count my tears,
And You love me still."

Dreams are not always made to come true.
Sometimes dreams are made to show you 
there's something so much better
in store.

...Love, Anna...

A Rambling

Sitting here, I'm trying to enjoy these last moments of summer.

Trying not to feel overwhelmed or over-excited or over-nostalgic.  Trying to be indifferent.  Trying to be blind to all the change that has happened this summer.  And trying to forge ahead without looking back too much.

I sat down to write this because I knew I had to post something this week, but I had no idea what to say.  And I still don't.

But today I don't want to be too thoughtful.  I just want to take a brief moment to recognize what an impact this summer has made on my life and to thank the people in my life that I don't thank often enough.

For those of you who don't know, it's been a big summer.  A one word summary? Change.
Change, change, change, and realizing that there's no other way to say it: change sucks.
And realizing when there's no one else to turn to - pray, pray, pray.
And realizing, though life's tough sometimes, I've got some pretty amazing friends and family.

So I just want to say to quick thanks to the friends who've always had my back.  Lucy, Anna, Olivia, Hayat - I can't thank you enough for all the support you've freely given to me especially in these past few months with all the crazy goings-on and all my insane plans and dreams.  You have no idea the confidence you've inspired in me and without you, I'd be another lost soul on this ever-changing planet.

And to my family - what can I say?  Nothing I do can ever phase you, and as much as that drives me crazy, I know it's only because you know me and love me so well.  I can't explain how much I love and respect all of you and I can't begin to comprehend how very blessed I am to have each and every one of you in my life.

Going in to my sophomore year, there are so many unknowns.  So much the future may or may not hold for me.  And so very much to do.

I'm trying to just breath it all in before the crazy rush of classes and homework and theater and friends and life in general.  Because I know I'm gonna close my eyes one second, and open them the next, and it'll be over.  Another year, gone.  Swept under this growing rug that is my life.

And this year, as odd as it sounds, I want to be brave.

I want to make new friends and try new things and somehow get my words to reach the far corners of this earth.  I want to inspire.

And so, I suppose, to bring a conclusion to this rambling mess of a post, I'd just like to officially bid summer farewell.  'Twas good in many ways.  Hard in others.  But as much as I'd like to just stay bitter about the bad parts, I think it would be much wiser to thank God for the good parts.  And to trust that as He is telling the story, and I am merely playing the part, He knows what He's doing.  And He has much better things in store for us.

So just remember this one thing for me: always be a little scared, so you can be a little brave.

...Love, Anna...

It's Not What You Do, It's Who You Are

I like to pretend that I'm above it all - that I really don't care what people think of me.

But that's a lie that I can't even get myself to believe.

Oh how I wish it was true, but it's one of the hardest obstacles for anyone to overcome.

In my own safe little corner of the universe, I can confidently say that I love who I am and
have no need to prove myself
to anyone.

But out in "the world" I suddenly become overwhelmed by all the
labels and judgments
that get shoved onto my head.
Drowning, it seems,
in all that I feel
I have to be
to prove myself,
to be worthy.

"Well if only they could see me,
if they could see 
the real me",
I plead.

Because no matter where I go, the answer is unwavering,
"It's not who you are, it's what you do that matters."

It's about what sport you play.
It's about what grades you receive.
It's about what role you get in the school production.
It's about how beautiful you are.
It's about that number on the scale.
It's about how much time you spend on your hair.
It's about which friends you have.
It's about what clothes you buy.

But none of this defines me.
Who you are is not what you do.
Who you are is not your waist size,
Or your class rank,
Or your spot on the varsity team.

It's how you treat those who can do nothing for you.
It's being a friend to the friendless,
It's honoring your parents
And respecting your teachers.
It's putting the One who died for YOU on a CROSS so that you may have ETERNAL LIFE
FIRST in your life and in your heart.

I really do wish I could look in the mirror and say,
"You're talented. You're beautiful. You're smart.  No matter what they say."
I really do wish I was above the crazy expectations of a world who never stops demanding more.

I'm not, though.
And it's a struggle that never stops,
And it's a struggle that everyone has to face.

Just this morning I was singing one of my favorite hymns, and its simple and beautiful words made me realize that all of the things the world tries to define you as are so insignificant in the LORD's eyes,

"Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise.
Thou mine inheritance, now and always.
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart.
High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art."

I hope that you can take a moment today to look at yourself in the mirror
and decide. 

Decide that you are
enough.
Decide that you are
beautiful.
Decide that you are
loved.
By God and by yourself.

Then on the days when you feel like you can't ever possibly be sufficient for anyone,
you can remember that you decided;
it's not what you do, it's who you are.

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration:

"...I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure.  My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor.  Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." 

~Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

Rivers and Roads

                                  For Will

Well, off you go, rivers and roads away from home and from me.

Oddly, I'm not feeling as sad as I thought I would.

Sure, you're 10 hours from good ole Grove City, but it's this new chapter, these new pages that are somehow satisfying me at least for now.  These untouched, fresh pages of our lives that go on despite change.  These pages where God has already written in His plans.

*Some facts I know for sure are that

The house will be less filled with your strumming, your voice, and your music.
We will both continue our journeys - yours in Nashville, and mine here (or goodness knows where).
I will try my best to follow your examples - to be a better writer, a more dedicated Believer, and a more earnest Follower.
There will be days (many days) when my missing you will overrule my being happy for you.  But in those days (and in every day between), I am always and forever proud of you.*

As much as I'm excited to embark on this new chapter in both of our lives, I still have a stabbing feeling of nostalgia knowing that gone are the days of your (and very soon my) childhood.

Regardless of my few but stubborn attempts to stop time, it keeps pulling.  It keeps pulling at me slowly, surely, and completely.  And the child in me wants to scream and yell and pry its insistent hands from my arms.  And in a moment of defeat, or denial, or acceptance, if you please, I realized time has to go on.

You have to leave,
I have to grow.

So in one last effort to hold onto times gone past, I want to say a brief and sincere thank you.

Thank you for the imaginary places and games we made up when all Grove City had to offer was rain and gray clouds.
Thank you for the "Oh snappidity-dappity"s, the "FBI fights", for being the dog before we got Snickers, all the "sister of mine"s, "come on, son"s, and Sheetz runs.
Thank you for the Doctor Who marathons, the long talks, and the endless laughter and smiles you always provide.
Thank you for the bottomless pit of music you've opened my eyes to - Mumford and Sons, The Avett Brothers, The Head and the Heart, The Lumineers, Bob Dylan, Twenty-One Pilots, The Oh Hellos, to name a few.
And thank you most of all for seeing the greatness in me even when I didn't see it myself.

Simply, thank you for being my brother. 
Now go, pursue your dreams. 

"A year from now, we'll all be gone,
All our friends will move away,
And they're going to better places,
But our friends will be gone away.

And nothing is as it has been,
And I miss your face like hell.
I guess it's just as well,
But I miss your face like hell.

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh

Been talkin' about the way things change,
And my family lives in a different state.
And if you don't know what to make of this,
Then we will not relate.
Yeah, if you don't know what to make of this,
Then we will not relate.

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh

Rivers and roads,
Rivers and roads,
Rivers 'til I reach you..."

Love, always,
Anna

P.S. Here's a link to the song for those of you who don't know it:

And It All Came Tumbling Down

So I have drafted at least three different posts over the past couple weeks thinking one of them would stick.  There is just so much to say and no good way to say any of it.

So here I am, "improv" writing these words, hoping they will somewhat make sense, and praying I am saying the right things.

Have you ever felt over-full?  Not your stomach, your heart.  Like your heart is so full of so many emotions and events and just life in general, that you're afraid if you trip it might all come spilling up over the edge and there will be no way of gathering it all back and carefully tucking it away?

Let's just say that I am extremely heart-full.

But it's not just sadness or anger or joy or love.  It's this complicated jungle-mess of everything I feel and wish and regret and hope and wonder.  It's a culmination of everything I thought I knew and everything I wish I didn't.

It's this tugging feeling of looking back over my shoulder and burying my head in my chest and forging ahead.  It's this road that I see in front of my feet - so exciting and full of hope.  It's this trampled path behind that I feel such devotion to but can't retrace my steps in its direction.

And it's this wall that I've carefully been building my whole life without ever really realizing it.  This wall of all the opinions I came to accept as facts, all the truths I came to know as faith, and all the love that somehow slithered its way into hate.  This wall of perfectly placed doctrines, of memories, of people, of trust.  Of all the things I've felt, past and present, of love and friendship and tears and laughter.  This wall of everything I've ever known and everything I've ever come to trust.

And it all came tumbling down.

This wall, my wall, came down brick by brick, exposing life itself, unguarded, unshielded, in its true form apart from what I'd come to make of it.

The irony is that I didn't need the wall.  And life didn't scare me.  And the truth hurt, but didn't break me.

I built my wall out of my own volition and my own foolish "need" to make sense of everything myself.  The wall did not protect me, but rather He who held me was my protector.  He who set me apart from the world.  He who came, He who loved, He who lived among sin, He who died for sinners, He who died for me.  He held me.

He is what remains when everything you trusted and believed is stripped away.

He is my wall.

He is the road in front of my feet.

He is the light unto my path.

And it all came tumbling down.

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration:

 

Perspective

It has been so long since I have mentioned my "One Word(s) 2013": living sacrifice.

It has been so long since I've thought about it.

It has become what I feared most: a phrase I am numb and indifferent to.  A phrase that means close to nothing to me.  Because quite honestly I don't know what it's suppose to mean.  What does God really want from me?  How can I be His living sacrifice?

Recent events in my life have caused me to puzzle over some tough questions and some tough choices that lay ahead.  In the midst of this, I wonder how I can be a living sacrifice to God?

By no means do I think God expects us to be flitting around all the time, singing praises to Him and never questioning His power and grace.  I don't think that's what God wants when He asks us to be living sacrifices.

God understands that our lives are sometimes really hard.  He's been in our place.  He knows that sometimes we suffer, cry, struggle with doubt and fear and anger.  I think He knows that some days we just need to be sad and wonder.

But being a living sacrifice means that even when we have doubts, when we are in the midst of troubles, when we have those sad days, bad moods, fears and anger, we still hold on to Him.  We don't turn away and forget about all the good He's done, is doing, and will do in our lives.  By handing over our troubles and by holding onto the promise that they will test us but never overcome us is sacrificing to God.

I'm going to be completely honest with you, last week was a  really hard week for me.  A lot is going on in my life.  I was really sad.  But through all of it (and it's far from over) God was still with me.  God was still holding me.  The Holy Spirit was still lighting my day and guiding my night.

And He still held true to His promise that:

And not only that, but He has given me so much fresh perspective.  He's made me question the things in my life that I held to be most important, and He's made me realize He does indeed have plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  

So I just want to take this moment to say thank you, LORD.  And to say that God does keep His promises and He is holding you even when it feels like you're falling.  

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration: 

Higher Than I

When I was younger, I was constantly yearning for change.

In a town that seems to be stuck in the same gray cloud and rain, I thought what I really needed is something to happen.

Right now it is raining and it's raining hard.

The rain, for me, is change.

My life is changing.

The rain hurts.  A lot.  More than I ever thought change could hurt.

I look out the window now and think, "Is this really my life?  Is this really my rain?"

But in this rain, in this world, among these people, who constantly change and move and pull and push, I have found a rock, a high place, to ground my feet on.  On the rock, it does not stop raining.

But on the rock is solid ground.

When I was younger, I wanted change so badly it bled out of every word I wrote.

Now I find that as my life changes, God does not.

I find that as the rain pours, my feet do not slip.

As it rains, my faith is not broken, merely tested.

My inspiration:

...Love, Anna...

Take a Break!

Hey ya'll-

I know I've been gone a while, but I figured I'd let everyone know that I am on vacation and will be returning to the "blogosphere" next Sunday!

Hope everyone is enjoying their summers!

Keep reading! :)

...Love, Anna...

Square One

So I haven't posted in a while.  Too long, in fact.

And I honestly can't pinpoint a reason why.

It's not that I haven't had any inspiration for a post - I've had plenty.

It's not that I've been exceptionally busy - please, in the summer that would be a miracle!

The only factor that has changed since my last post is that I've made a Facebook page for myself and am now able to share all my blog posts with a larger audience (a big part of that audience made up by friends and peers).

It sounds terribly stupid and cowardice, I know, but I realize now that I've been a little afraid.  All this time the majority of my readers have been close friends, family members, and some of my Mother's friends since I used her Facebook page to post about my blog.  Now, I've been a little bit more timid to write.

Because I know that if I post, I will put it on my new Facebook page.  And if I put it on my new Facebook page, it is likely that a new (maybe more critical) audience will be reading.

What happened, I wonder, to that brave and honest girl who wanted to tell the world her thoughts and beliefs through her writing?  Where did she go?

Quite honestly, she was hiding.

And every time I started to form an idea for a post, I imagined certain people reading it, and I imagined what they would think.  I started to doubt myself.  I started to worry what I would sound like to them.  What they would think of me.  What they would label me - hypocrite, fraud, phony, lame, goody-two-shoes?

Then I stopped and thought, "Anna, just why did you start out on this blog in the first place?"

And I laughed.  Because at that moment I was being just what I feared I would be called - a hypocrite and a fraud and so much of a coward.  I remembered that I set out writing this blog on a mission - to be honest and to use my words to honor God and to reach the far corners of the hearts only Jesus can save.

And I simply cannot live (or write, for that matter) being afraid of what people think.  And I simply cannot write dishonestly, because fake writing is soulless and no one will believe it.

So here I am.

In so many ways, back in square one.

About to endeavor on a slightly new journey in writing.

I don't know who is reading this, new or old or no one at all, but I'm not hear to preach to you or beg some sort of praise out of you.  I'm here to do what I love - write.  And I'm here to use my writing to glorify the God that I love - the one living and true God.

And I'm here in hope that somehow, someday, in some way, you too will come to love Him the way He has always loved you.

And I'm here despite of my fear of judgement.

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration: 

"Spend a little more time trying to make something of yourself, and a little less time trying to impress people." ~The Breakfast Club

Do You Trust Me?

"Do you trust me?"

"What?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes...?"

"Then JUMP!!!"

I think (well I sure hope) we all recognize this scene from our dear Aladdin.   If not...watch now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgeIiREvafQ

Recently my faith has been a bit like this scene.  We can't always understand what God wants or why He wants it.  And it's perfectly OK to NOT know.  Sometimes that's what He wants.  In these times, He's asking us to trust Him.  He's asking us to JUMP.

We don't know where we'll end up.  We don't know all the answers.

We just take His hand.

We just jump.

And we trust that as we fall, He's holding us.  As we fall, He's changing us.  As we fall we ask for nothing.  We simply trust that His plans are greater than our dreams.

How wonderful it is to have a God that's got us.

Do you trust Him?

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration: Jumping, Falling, Trusting.

Dad is Great...Gives us Chocolate Cake!

Oh, my dearest Father,

What can I possibly say?

I know that you scoff at Father's Day as "bogus" and "another Hallmark holiday", but I don't mind having the opportunity to recognize someone who has given me so much love and wisdom for as long as I've been alive.

For as long as I can remember, the safest place in my little corner of the universe has been in your lap.  And even though I'm 15 now and have far outgrown the sturdy shelter of your lap, sometimes I still want to crawl into it and be in that safety again.  I know I am still and forever will be welcome back to my old niche in your arms, a place I will never outgrow.   As I get older and wiser (?), the shelter of your lap has morphed into the fortress of your prayers.  I know that anytime I am upset or need guidance, you will be there willing and ready to pray with me and for me.  And in our little bubble of prayer, I feel fully known and loved.

I am sure that all the weird sayings and things you do will forever be etched in my being.  I find myself using the same phrases that you do to my friends, who then look at me as if I was speaking gibberish.  But it's those tiny things that embody who you are and who we are as a family...something I wouldn't trade for the world!  And even though I tease you all the time about all the weird stuff you say, and most of it I still don't pretend to understand, I hope you know that really love it.  And I'm proud that we can be weird together! :)

What other Dad would play games like "rhino" or "double kitty" (goodness knows how we came up with that one!) or have "beanie baby wars"?  Who else would make baths so fun with inventions like "waterfall"?  Who else would sing "Amazing Grace" to his daughter every night in a different way?  I still remember the time I asked you to sing it "creepy".  You hid in the closet and popped out in the middle of the verse...what other Dad could sing "Amazing Grace" creepily??!!  When I grew tired of "Amazing Grace", you used to sing "No Night There", which is still my favorite hymn.  We came up with motions to go with it, and for whatever reason we would pull on our ears when we sang "and they count not time by years".  

From very young, you sparked in Sam and Will and me a love for literature.  Instead of reading simple bedtime stories like a lot of kids, you read us masterpieces like The Chronicles of Narnia.  My favorite part about story time was how you were so animated.  When we read Harry Potter, you even used British accents and had different voices for each character.  You used to test Will and I to see if we were really paying attention.  You'd say things like, "And then Sam and Frodo went to McDonald's and ordered a Big Mac."  Will and I would laugh and laugh.

A love for literature was not the only thing you taught me from a young age.  You taught me to love writing.  I don't remember a specific time when I started writing, but it was very young.  I would never have started, or kept going for that matter, if it wasn't for you.  Your words are so beautiful.  All my life I've only ever striven to be half the writer you are.  Along with a passion for words, you've instilled in me a dissatisfaction, a want to always be better at my writing.  I think it is a very good thing.

Most importantly though, you've set the firm foundation of Christ in my life.  You've raised us all in prayer and in love.  When we were little, we had "Bib Sto" (Bible Story) every night, setting the example of reading our bibles and praying faithfully every day.  I didn't always know the meaning, but I knew the truth.  You've also given me the greatest gift a Father can give to his daughter.  That is loving her mother.  You have been a wonderful example of what a husband should be, and how he should love his wife.  I've set my standards very high, and for good reason.  My Father.

Well, Dad, you've put up with me for 15 years, and you still love me.  And for that I must say thank you.  Thank you for everything you are and have been.  The next three years will be tough, but I am looking forward to spending more time with you and Mom.  And I know that no matter what, you will be here with your sheltering arms and trusting prayers.  And that is more than any daughter could ask for.

I love you, Daddy.

Love,
Anna

I think you've quoted this once or twice! ;)

Reflections

So here's the thing:
I'm in 10th grade.
What. The heck. Happened?

Somehow the last day of school sneaked up on me from behind...and here I am.  A sophomore in high school.

I still feel like an ignorant eighth-grader, shaking in my shoes on the first day of high school, unprepared for four years of adventure and growth.  I remember the first day of school as a freshman so vividly.  There I was, not knowing what to expect, excited, terrified, overwhelmed.

But this year has been beyond wonderful.  Full of surprises, trials, laughter, tears, new friends, adventures, struggles, and successes.  But so wonderful.

I was part of my first high school theater production.  And as lame as it sounds, I've been dreaming of being in high school theater since I was very little.  I'm living my dream, y'all.

And I learned (painfully) that, as Billy Joel would say, "you can't be everything you want to be before your time."

My family and I had our first Christmas without my Grandpa.

I turned 15 on January 15!

I made some amazing new friends and had one of the greatest experiences of my life through "Sasquatch: the musical".  I learned how to be patient, to persevere, and to give God the glory.  

I wrote my first song for my brother who is leaving for college in August, and performed it (with persuasion from my friend) at the annual Thespian Coffee House.

I also got to sing two songs with my brother at the Coffee House (something I've been DYING to do since I watched Will perform when he was a freshman).

I watched my brother,Will, graduate from high school.

Dear Freshman Year,

If I had to pick one word to sum you up, it would probably be growth.
Sure I've grown taller and matured.
But I mean I've grown into who I am.
I'm not exactly sure who that is yet.
But for once I'm not worried about it.
I've grown stronger in my faith.
I've grown stronger in my ability to let things I can't control go to the One who controls all.
I've grown stronger in my prayers.
I've grown stronger in my love.
I've grown stronger in my helpless need for God.
I've stopped trying to impress people.
I've stopped worrying so much.
I've learned to listen better.
I've learned to enjoy each moment better.
I've learned how to be quiet.
I've learned when to speak and what to say.
You've been good to me, 9th grade.  But don't be offended when I say I'm ready to move on.  Truly, I am.  As much as I'd love to stay, I need to go.  I've much more to discover, you see.  I've much more to learn about the world, about people, about myself.  I have places I'm ready to go to, people I need to meet, prayers I need to pray, and shows I'm dying to be a part of.
I'm thankful for you, with all your ups and downs.  You've weeded out the true friends and the flakes.  You've exposed the things about me that need much improvement.  You've encouraged the things about me that are perfect the way they are.  And you've given me more wisdom.  And for that I must say, thank you LORD.
So I guess this means goodbye, Freshman Year.  I won't forget you. :)

....Love, Anna...

To God Be the Glory

A year ago yesterday, my Grandpa passed into the gates of eternity.

I can't believe it's been a year.

Last June when my family and I traveled down to Virginia for the funeral, I was a very different person.  So, so, young I seemed now that I look back.  And so ill-prepared for death.

Now, the only two things you need to know about my family are that we like to eat and we like to hug.  We are a truly wonderful family that I can't thank God enough for.  I think the biggest thing that I miss about my Grandpa is seeing him sit at the head of the table at Christmas dinner, saying a prayer over his wife, his four children and children-in-law, and his twelve grandchildren.

When we go visit my Grandma, the house feels different.  I told my parents one time that Grandma and Grandpa are like salt and pepper, they have to go together.  My Grandpa loved his apple pie, his tea, his chair, his baseball caps, his corny jokes, his birds, his country, his family, his wife, and most of all, his God.

I can't express enough thanks for the legacy he set forth in my family, a legacy of faith and love.  The last time we visited you, I could tell it would be the last time I'd see you here on Earth.  I hugged you as hard as I could, and you had that sweet, sweet smile on your face as you kissed me on the cheek.  My Mom told me later that you told her how beautiful I was as you were saying goodbye to her.  Grandpa, that meant more than I can say.  I remember after my Mom told me that, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and tried to figure out what you meant.

You saw my heart.  And God knows it's not beautiful yet, but you knew it would be.

I wrote this last June after the funeral, and I've never shared it with anyone until now.  But it sums up everything:

There was a last time I kissed my Grandpa on the cheek,
Or saw him grin at me.
There was a last time
He took a breath on this Earth,
A last time cancer said "game over",
And his oxygen tank gasped
Like his breath.
There was a last time he drank his tea,
Or rocked in his favorite chair.
A last time
My cousin shouted "Paga!"
And jumped into his arms.
There was a last time
He kissed his wife,
Or polished off an apple pie.
A last time
He cracked a corny joke
And chuckled to his heart's content,
Or stubbornly insisted
On walking on his own.
And there was a last time
That cancer took away his life
But could not, did not, will not, has not, cannot,
Take away our hope.
And that is why I know,
In heaven, Grandpa,
Your are dancing,
You are singing,
You are smiling,
Telling jokes,
And laughing.
You are staring right at Jesus.
Someday,
Very soon,
For the first time,
I can kiss you on the cheek,
Hug your cancer-free body,
Someday,
Where sickness is banished,
And no time is kept,
And no years go by.
At home.
Where there will be no last times.

We miss you, Grandpa.  I miss you.  And I love you very much.  And I will see you soon.

To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
For the things He has done.

...Love, Anna...

He Wins

I would like to share with you something that has been on my mind a lot of late.  It is summed up beautifully and perfectly in these simple words: 

This has always been one of the biggest challenges in my faith, and I think a huge road block in becoming even closer to God.  

Here's the thing that I know deep down in my heart, the thing that scares me, the thing I never want to admit but has always nagged at me:  I can't save people.  That's the truth of it.  

Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this vicious cycle of trying and trying and trying to save people, and always, inevitably ending up crying myself to sleep wondering what I'm doing wrong or what I'm not doing enough of.   

I think this year God said "Enough already - let's face this problem head on."  And sure enough, He did.  

It's been a long road, this friendship I've developed with a very hurting girl, and it's bound to continue to be long.  But God has taught me what it means to love, what it means to be a friend (a REAL friend), and most of all, what it means to let go and trust that He is doing His will, and that it's not for me to know. 

For the first time in my life, I can understand this quote perfectly: 

And let me ask you something.  Have you ever had the opportunity to look someone in the eye, who very likely has never been properly loved their entire life, and say to them "I love you"?

I'm telling you, if you haven't, you don't know love.  I mean that.

Through this adventure, this winding road, I've learned the most beautiful element of faith.

Helplessness.

In an earlier post, I expressed how I've always had trouble letting God lead my life.  There is nothing scarier than squandering in confusion and not knowing what to do.  But being in that position is also very beautiful, because it exposes our vulnerability - it exposes how much we need our Savior.  

Through this helplessness, we have no choice but to turn to Christ in prayer, and again I have come to fully grasp the meaning of these words:

I know you may be reading this and wondering what on earth I'm talking about (by the way, if you're totally lost - read my post "God and Gym Class") but, to bring this back to my main point, I just want to say that if there is nothing in the world you can possibly do for someone to help them, and you feel helpless, know that it is in the hands of someone much greater.  And know that if you love this person, that is all God asks of you.  Love them and pray for them.

When I first learned about this girl's awful life, I was very angry.  I was so angry, in fact, I've never felt so angry in my whole life.  I was angry at the people who mistreated her, the teachers who neglected to help her, the people in her life who refused to see her hurting, and my peers who were always so entranced in their own worlds to care about her.  

How could they not see? How could they not care?  I wanted to scream.

I spent weeks pushing the matter out of my mind, praying prayers I was doubtful would ever be answered, crying bitter tears over the unbalanced world, and all the time feeling guilty for being so blessed.  And I puzzled over what to do and who to tell.

At some point, something clicked in me, some sort of Holy Spirit nudge that somehow did not make everything right, but made everything hopeful.  And that is how I choose to see it.  There is hope, is there not?  There is hope in the fact that Jesus is using me to find His way into my friend's heart.  There is hope that though she is trapped in darkness, God is light.  There is hope that though I can't save people, I have a God who can and who will and who does and who DID.

And for once I can honestly say:

Dear Friend,

I know you don't read this blog.  I know you don't believe in God or the fact that there is hope.  You may not believe that I love you or that He loves you.  You may not see the wonderful person I know you are.  You may not think there is help.  You may think that my faith is bogus, or that I don't really believe.  

But I want you to know that there is hope, I do love you, God does love you, you are a wonderful person, there is help, that I believe with every ounce of my being in a Savior far greater than I, and God is real.  

And He wins.

....Love, Anna....

For My Very Best Friend

Dear Mom,

Of all the words in the whole world, every word I've ever known or spoken or written, there is only one that can fully describe and embody everything about you.  Love.

All my life you and Dad have raised me in the shelter of your love and of Christ's love.  I say shelter not in the sense that you've tried to keep me away from the world or protect me from it, but in the sense that when I was vulnerable to the world, when its limbs reached out to hurt me, or to tempt me, or even to break me, I knew I was secure in the shelter of love I had with you.  I knew whatever happened, whatever I learned, whatever I did, whatever I went through, I was welcome back into the shelter of love where I knew I was always safe and always wanted.

One of the greatest things in the whole world are hugs from you.  Everything I am and am trying to be just melts into everything you are.  The love that envelopes me has no need for words.  I love to just let it sit there, let it exist, let it be known without a sound.  Nothing has ever made me feel more complete or more loved than being in your arms and staying there for as long as I need.

My favorite thing about you is that you are the perfect mix of friend and mother.  You are my best friend - always have been and always will be.  You've watched friends come and go, and you've remained faithful and constant. I love that I can tell you anything and it won't make you love me any more or any less.  I love that we can laugh together, cry together, and be our weird and wacky selves together.  I love that we don't share the same style but you let me be my own individual and are never trying to make me into someone or something I'm not.  I love that you forgive quickly and easily and that you put up with my sass, my bad moods, and my ever-changing emotions.  I love that you support me in everything I do, and not just out of obligation, but with your whole heart.

Just a little while ago a friend of mine asked me if I talked to my Mom.  I said, "Yes, I tell her everything."  And it made me so sad to think that not every girl gets to have the friendship we have.

I want you to know that though I am not a perfect daughter, I try to be the best one I can be.  And I want you to know that I strive to be everything you are as a mother, a friend, a wife, and a believer.

The next three years are bound to be full of hardships and laughter and grief and joy and lots of change.  But I know that you've been here since day one - literally - and not one day, not one hour, not one moment will pass when you won't be here.  And I am so excited and so thankful for all of the years we've had and all of the years to come.

Thank you, Mom.

Thank you for understanding me more than any other human being on this planet.
Thank you for everything you've taught me and for everything you are.
Thank you for loving me completely when it's hardest to love me, because that is when I need it most.
Thank you for being my best friend.
Thank you for you.

Love,
Anna

Badlands, South Dakota

An Unclouded Day

In Memory of David Arthur Armour

July 12, 1937-April 28, 2010

Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of the death of someone very dear to me and to countless others.  And I owe it to him to share the ways in which he touched my life.

Three years ago, I was in sixth grade.  Now, what motivated an ignorant, carefree 12 year old girl to go visit a man dying of cancer is what still to this day boggles me.  But I did.  I visited him because I saw something in him that I knew was beyond this world.  It was something more.  And so many times I've tried explaining my story or writing it, and it's absolutely useless.  Because I can't explain what I experienced.

Dr. Armour had been my neighbor and in my church for most of my childhood.  But it wasn't until he started dying that I got to know him.  When I visited him, one thing I will never forget is the life in his eyes.  He was a man dying of cancer, but no part of his eyes were dying.  I saw the most life that I'd ever seen in him.  It was the life of Christ.  And it was so evident and so real.  We had the most amazing conversation of my life.  And though I forget most of what we talked about, there is one thing I won't ever forget.

At one point he stopped and looked at me and asked, "So what made you come visit an old sick guy like me?"

There I was, sitting on the couch with a mug of delicious hot chocolate Mrs. Armour had brought me, my awkward, unknowing, sixth grade self.  And this, I promise you, is all I said, "Because you're a great man who loves Jesus."

At that moment Dr. Armour broke down in whole-hearted, unashamed, sobs.  "That's the best thing anyone has ever said to me".  He replied after his crying (and mine) had died down a bit.

The last time I visited him he was in a hospital bed in his own home, nearing the end of his time on earth.  It was so clear he wanted nothing more than to be with his Savior.  He always told me I was special, that God had amazing plans for my life, and that he loved me very much.

I held to his hand as he surfaced for a brief moment from all the medicine and pain, and he told me goodbye. I never got to tell him how much he meant to me or how much I loved him.  And I can say with certainty that there is not one single day that goes by that I don't think about how special he was or how much I regret not telling him everything I wanted to.

This post is jumbled and probably really confusing.  For that I am sorry, but as I said, I have never been able to find the right words.  And it's really, really hard to write this.

But I want to say thank you.

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of Dr. Armour and for using him in my life and in the lives of others'.

Thank you, Dr. Armour, for being who you were.  And even though I only knew you for a brief time, we were kindred souls, you and I.  And I would not be half the person I am today if it wasn't for you.

I know you're singing in heaven now.

And that the life in your eyes will never be extinguished.

Not even by death.

...Love, Anna...

Psalm 121

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills,

From whence cometh my help.

My help comes from the LORD,

Which made heaven and earth.

He will not suffer thy foot to be moved;

He that keepeth thee will not slumber.

Behold, He that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is thy keeper:

The LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.

The sun shall not smite thee by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil;

He shall preserve thy soul.

The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in 

From this time forth,

And even for evermore.

Someday

It's been a while since I've written about my 2013 word - living sacrifice - and I've had some more realizations of late.

Now, usually after a show a go through about a week of what I refer to as "post-show depression".  Last weekend our high school proudly put on an original musical by our director himself, and his friend - Sasquatch: the Musical.  It's the biggest let down ever when a show ends, but this one was especially bittersweet, as it was the seniors' (including my brother's) last show.

And so many thoughts and emotions started churning up in me.  I have seriously been anticipating and dreaming of and longing for this year for SO long.  I always sat by and very impatiently waited for the day I could be part of the high school theater program.  I heard my brother humming all the songs, muttering the lines, coming home later and later each week as the rehearsals got longer and the stress piled higher.  And I just was about to burst with longing to be in high school, already!

This year was so full of somedays.  And looking back now I realize how much I took for granted all of those events and moments that I dreamed of for so long.  I can't get them back.  Not ever.

I have always been the kind of person eager and ready to move forward.  I've never looked back or shed a tear over marching on.  I wouldn't say I dream my life away, but I have trouble living in the moment.  This year has changed me so much.  I'm not reluctant to move forward, at all.  But I'm in no rush anymore.  I love where I am and am confident I'll love where I'm headed.

Watching the seniors up on the podium giving their senior speeches before the show was both hopeful and heartbreaking.  It was exciting for me, realizing my theater career has just begun.  And heartbreaking, realizing I will never share the stage with these people again.  It was also horrifying, knowing how fast the years will go, how I only have six more shows.  How two have gone by and I barely even glanced their way as they flew past.

Everyone complains about our little town - how pathetic it is, how there's "nothing to do", how they can't wait to get out of here.  I've joined in their chorus of complaints most of my life, too.  But this year I've discovered how thankful and blessed I am to grow up in this town.  And though some days I want to scream and pull my hair out and as our dear George Bailey would say, "shake the dust off this crumby little town and see the world!", most days I find myself content where I am.

I'm sorry if I sound like a blubbering sentimentalist today, but I promise all of this rambling connects.

I know that God calls us to be completely thankful and content with all we have.  And most days I look around and wonder what more I could ever ask for.  Sometimes this makes me feel guilty.  But my Mom always says it should make me feel blessed.  Looking around my small, weathered, sun-deprived, rugged town, I realize there's not too much to see.  Besides the college and the Outlet Mall, outsiders rarely come to visit or have even heard of us.

Most people say there's nothing to do and no where to go.  That our town is ugly and the weather miserable.  There aren't any good restaurants or theaters.  What do we have to our name?

It's taken me my lifetime, but now I know.  I know I'll miss this place when I have to leave.  I'll miss the community - how news spreads like a wildfire, how everyone knows everyone.  I'll miss the shock of the first ray of sun sometime in March after a long and hard winter.  I'll miss the greatest coffee shop ever in the sweetest downtown in the world, that has practically become my second home.  I'll miss seeing all the college students back on campus in August.  I'll miss being able to walk practically anywhere.  I'll miss the huge oak trees in my neighborhood.  I'll miss our amazing little Guthrie theater downtown.  I'll miss our family owned and run and delicious restaurants.  And most of all, I'll miss the people here that have shaped who I am and who I'm becoming.

To be a living sacrifice, we need to be content with where we are, even if it's not where we want to be forever.  I by no means want to stay here the rest of my life.  I want to leave, go to college, explore the world, get married, have a family....you know, the usual.  BUT, for now I believe God calls us to be thankful with what we have.  This is being a living sacrifice.  If we keep counting on somedays, like I did, we won't even enjoy them when they're here, because we'll be fixated on the next someday.

Today is someday.
Tomorrow will be yesterday.
And yesterday,
"Remember when?"

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration: this sweet place where I live :)

Let Me Cliche You

Not that men don't need to hear this, but...

This post is for the ladies.

Now springtime has arrived and the weather is getting warmer and the sun is starting to shine...OKAY, so SOMEWHERE on this Earth springtime has arrived, etc. etc.

Point is, warm weather brings more than just spring spirit and Easter and daydreams of summer.  Warm weather brings the short shorts, the tight tank tops, the bikinis, and you can use your imagination for the rest.

And I know, I know, I KNOW.  Biggest. Cliche. Ever.  But, nonetheless, I'm gonna say it: Girls, ladies, women - modest is hottest, y'all.  

Once you've stopped cringing from that horrific phrase that I'm sure you've heard on the lips of many, I'd like to go into some more depth since "modest is hottest" doesn't really cut it - at least not for me.

I will now dub you with my opinions whether you like it or not - whether you agree with it or not.   These apply not only for modesty, but for your own positive body image.  And before I get up on my glorified soap box, I'd like to say that I am not preaching self-righteously, like I've never made any mistakes before.  Absolutely not.  I get it, I really do.  Don't forget I'm also a teenage girl in this sex-crazed, "beauty"-centered world.  I've struggled with making good, modest choices, too.  And I am by no means accusing anyone or patting myself on the back.  I am truly writing this as much for myself as for anyone else.

On modesty:

1. If it makes you uncomfortable, don't wear it.  Don't put something on simply because you want to look like someone else.  If it makes you uncomfortable, just don't wear it.  Your body is more precious than any social pressure to be someone or something you are not.

2. (Most) of us don't actually want to see it.  If you wear something to exemplify or show off any part(s) of your body, keep in mind that there is a very small population of us that actually want to see.  The rest of us (the majority of us) don't care for it.  At all.  And that small population that does you will find does not have the motives you might think.  So just keep everything wear it belongs.

3. The kind of clothes you wear will attract the same kind of guys.  You may not realize it, but what you wear says a lot about you.  Especially to other guys.  The way you dress sends a signal - what kind of signal are sending?  Is it the signal you want?  Are they the guys you deserve?  If you can't respect yourself enough in the way you dress, you won't find a guy who respects you or your body, either.

4. You're only hurting yourself. If you choose to dress immodestly, it can only have bad effects on you and your self-image.

5. Just because your friends wear it does not make it right to wear.  TRUST me, I know how easy it is to cave to peer pressure.  Especially when it's your closest friends.  But, you need to fight.  You need to keep standing strong in your modesty and in your beliefs.  Be an example to others.  Even if you're mocked or ridiculed for being modest, think of what's more important.  Looking like the world, or honoring God, who made you and loves you.

6. Bikinis. Now I don't want to go off on a tangent, but I just had to say something about bikinis.  Sigh.  Ladies, they're not attractive.  They just aren't.  Why is it EXTREMELY socially unacceptable to wear a bra and underwear in public, yet somehow, when you go to the beach or the pool - BANG - it's perfectly fine to wear your underwear?  'Cause let's face it, that's basically what bikinis are.  Bikinis put your body on display for everyone to see - and maybe that's what people want.  But that's definitely not what God wants.

7. Don't make it your goal to look "hot" or "sexy", make it your goal to feel beautiful in your own skin - and not some artificial skin the world tells us we need.

On true beauty and self-image:

1. When you go to look in the mirror, go having already decided that what you will see is beautiful. So many women go through their lives miserable because they aren't "beautiful enough".  You need to make a decision - make a decision to be beautiful.  Beauty is not appearances.  Beauty is a decision and a way of living.  Beauty shines through your words, your works, and your faith.  It has nothing to do with weight, height, or perfection.

2. Be beautiful like you, not beautiful like them. Don't compare yourself to others or wish you looked like others.  Be proud of who you are.

3. Get some confidence. Once you're comfortable in your own skin, you have no need to look like anyone else.  I'm not the skinniest or the prettiest or the funniest person in the world.  But I don't need to be.  I love who I am and I don't need to change that to meet anyone's standards.

4. Beauty fades. Nothing lasts, so there's no point in wasting time in money trying to make yourself beautiful.  Enough with the anti-wrinkle creams (we all know they don't work anyway) and fake tans and fake eyelashes.  Growing old is beautiful, and growing old is inevitable.  It simply means you've lived and loved and are wiser and richer than you were before.  There is beauty in everything, at every stage of life, just not everyone chooses to see it.

5. Be healthy, not vain. Healthy diets and exercise are both wonderful things.  And important, too.  God wants us to respect and take care of the bodies He gave us.  But make sure your motive is to be healthy, not to be skinny.

6. You're not alone. I think all of us women can relate.  We ALL have days (lots of days) when we feel hideous.  When our hair won't cooperate.  When we feel fat.  When we have pimples protruding on our foreheads.  When we stand in front of the mirror and criticize everything about us that we possible can.  We're all like that, unfortunately.

Sometimes I close my eyes and wonder what God sees when He thinks of true beauty.

The answer is you, darling.

He said so - "He has made everything beautiful in it's time." Ecclesiastes 3:11

God made, and is making, you beautiful.  When He thinks of beauty, He thinks of His creations, and that includes you.  God looks at the heart.

Hope everyone has a GREAT week - I've been saving this post for a while and it will probably be my last for a couple weeks because I am rather engulfed in the musical right now!! ;)

Come see it -
Sasquatch: the Musical

April 11, 12, and 13 at 7:00
High school auditorium
Tickets: $7 adults, $5 students

...Love, Anna...

My inspiration: "Charm is deceptive and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

P.S. This post was rather rushed, so if there are any mistakes I apologize! :)

God and Gym Class

I used to be a cynic.

Do you know what the worst thing about cynics is?

They don't know that they are cynical.

I had no idea either.

No idea God was answering my prayers in His own way, not mine.  No idea God actually cared about my so-called "trivial problems".  So I didn't pray for them.  I didn't pray before I took a test, because I didn't believe God would really care.  I didn't pray when my stomach was hurting, when I was running out of patience with my friends or my siblings, I didn't pray because I didn't think God would care enough about the little things to answer.

But God was answering.

God is answering.

I don't know when it was exactly God started to change my prayers.  It was sometime last year, when I was going through some frustrating stomach issues.  I started praying every time my stomach would start hurting.  No matter where I was, I just closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said "Lord God, if it is Your will, please help my stomach to stop hurting."  Sometimes God would answer, immediately.  Sometimes my stomach would stop hurting as soon as I opened my eyes, and I am not exaggerating.  Other times, He wouldn't.  Other times He decided to teach me trust and patience.

And in those other times, as I lay in the nurse's office, usually with some tears, I would still pray.  And I would sing hymns, and I would believe that God cared.  God cared for my "trivial problems".  I believed nothing was too small and nothing was too big for our God.

Now you're probably wondering what all this has to do with gym class.

Well, I entered my first year in high school, no longer a cynic, but still in need of some more praying lessons.  To my utter disappointment, I had discovered I had NO friends whatsoever in my gym class.  Not a single one.  I spent the first couple days of high school pitying myself and wishing I had at least one companion to brave the perilous lands of P.E. with me.

I figured I was the one in need of friendship.  One day, a couple of girls that I sort of knew in my grade befriended me and asked me to play corn hole with them.  I was so touched and happy that I now had a group to hang out with in gym.

But sooner or later, I felt this push (a Holy Spirit nudge? I think yes!) to befriend this other girl that is in my grade and had no gym companions either.  She was one tough cookie.  I could tell she was used to pushing people away and shutting them out.  But something told me to keep trying - and I wanted nothing more than to get a smile or a hello out of her.

As the first couple months flew by, she started to open up more and more each day.  I still felt utterly hopeless at making any real progress with her, and I kept praying that I would.  Then one day I realized why God placed me in that gym class.  It just hit me like a ton of bricks.  Maybe He did send me there to make a difference in this girl's life - and maybe He sent me there to change mine.

Since then, I've grown pretty close to this girl.  So many misjudge her and mistreat her without getting to know her.  She's told me so much about her life.  And the burdens she bears are far too great for someone as young as she is.  And as much as it pains me to see her suffer, I have found such great hope in the small ways I see God working in her and in me already.  I have learned to listen, to earnestly care, to pray harder, to trust, and to love despite of the world's guidelines and rules.

And as crazy and silly as it sounds, I know for a fact that God put me in that gym class for so many reasons, and my life has changed significantly through it.  We should NEVER doubt God's power, God's love, or God's plans for us and for the people in our lives.  He used something so simple as a P.E. class for me and for my new found friend.

Don't be a cynic.

Pray.

My inspiration: "Weeds are flowers, too, once you get to know them." A.A. Milne

...Love, Anna...